It wasn’t a “sign” after all.
The lesson I learned the hard way so you wouldn’t have to.
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So, here’s the thing.
Have you ever found yourself in a place where it could either go one way you’d be comfortable with, or another, exciting and terrifying one that could redirect the course of your life? As dramatic as it may sound, I’ve been there a couple of times. Making lists in my mind to figure out every single thing that could possibly go right or wrong if I choose to go this way or that, asking friends and family members for advice- ignoring everything they say and then asking them again. And most importantly, I’ve been intrigued by the idea that sometimes life will send you a sign to let you know what to do.
Yes, I’m that girl that grew up with the idea that, if you’re willing to pay enough attention, life might just be subtly showing you what the best way to go is. However, personal experience changed my mind, and I’m willing to tell that story so you’ll hopefully save yourself some time in the future.
For anyone that has been reading my stories lately, you’ll probably know by now that I’ve been going through a seemingly never-ending existential crisis. Regarding my place in the world, the career path that I’ve chosen and the life I wish to be living right now but, for some reason, seems just too far away. I’ve been having this recurring, strange fear that if I don’t act or change now, everything I’m supposed to be could be taken away from me in a split second.
But this doesn’t mean that there haven’t been any actual opportunities out there. It hurts to admit, but looking back at the past five years has made me realise that maybe I’m just really good at a thing called self-sabotage. But it’s the worst kind of sabotage. The one where you’ve been absolutely and irrevocably convinced that it’s the only way to go, since this was meant to happen.
Last December, I flew back to my hometown in Switzerland with a packed suitcase and a sharp mind, knowing that, after many years of doubting myself, this would be the time I’d finally start living the life I wanted, where I wanted a surrounded by whom I wanted. You see, the one I was supposedly “leaving behind” had many things I’m still very grateful for, but for some reason it didn’t feel mine. I wasn’t in control, and although being a helpless romantic, I no longer felt in love with my own life. (And for all of those out there thinking that not being happy is a “normal thing” (!) and that life isn’t supposed to be something you look forward to every single day: I’ll respectfully disagree with that sad cliché and remind you that, as much as we’d love it, there aren’t any second rounds, and what you get is all there is.)
Having said this, you could imagine that looking around and seeing that I had actually taken a step towards the right direction was quite overwhelming. It took a lot of courage and trust, but every ounce of me knew that I was home.
So where did it all go wrong?
Well, even though I was exactly where I needed to be, there still was a small but strong thought in the back of my head that feared the fact that I was leaving so much comfort behind and jumping into the unknown by moving to Switzerland. But this wasn’t the first time I experienced doubt regarding a change of course in my life, so I simply told myself that life would send me a sign if this wasn’t meant to be. And if I came to the realisation that I had made the wrong decision, I was still on time to fly back, keep going with my previous life and pretend that this didn’t happen. And oh boy, that was the beginning of a tragedy.
One thing I had to learn the hard way is that we’ve become so accustomed to the idea of life sending us hints in moments of indecision, that we can no longer distinguish them from life actually testing us.
My test was something I thought to be love.
It gives me a good amount of cringes now, but back then, when I had supposedly been looking for a “sign” to know if staying in Switzerland truly was the way my life was supposed to go, a certain someone I had known in my teenage years reached out to me (as men usually do when their love life is getting boring) and we started talking casually. Casual turned into long texts, those turned into video calls and it wasn’t long until I felt the butterflies whenever his name popped up on my screen. And being the soft-hearted movie character I’ve always been, I started developing genuine feelings for him, even though he was part of a world I had decided to leave behind. He didn’t know I wasn’t planning on returning, for him it was just a holiday vacation in Switzerland to see my family. Because that’s what I told him.
Let me rephrase: I was finally pulling through with a life I’d wanted for so long, and now I couldn’t get myself to tell a guy I hadn’t seen in years that he was pretty much wasting his time since I wasn’t returning. Why? Because I was about to change my mind and I knew it.
The idea of love has always been fascinating to me, and I blame all the Rom-Coms and Nicholas Sparks novels for making me believe that in the battle between the head and the heart, you should always choose the latter. As promising as it may sound to some people, it’s not always going to turn out the way you expected. At least it didn’t in my case.
It took me three years to find the strength to move to Switzerland, and just three months to throw it all out the window. Life had sent me one last test to see if I was willing to pursue my dream no matter what, but I mistook it for a sign and convinced myself that this was life actually showing me what I was missing out on if I didn’t return.
So I packed my suitcase again and flew back with a head full of illusions. Not even a week after I arrived, the guy turned out to be full of shit (surprise), I lost my chance at the Swiss university, the pandemic began, airports closed, and pretty much everything around me crumbled down, to put it nicely. I felt stuck all over again, and this time there wasn’t anyone to blame but me. All because I had to see a sign where there simply wasn’t one.
I’ve been thinking of ways to end this on a positive note, but that would just be too ironic. The truth is, not everything happens for a reason and life has absolutely no obligation of sending you signs telling you what to do. That’s your job and no one else’s. But if there’s anything you truly want, you’ll have to focus and pull through. Get the job done and worry about everything else afterwards.
